It’s been a rough few weeks. Not because of any one particular thing but rather a cumulation of many little things. I’ve been running at high capacity… well ever since October… and then it became more heightened when all of this stuff happened with Maggie. Suffice to say, I’ve had a lot going on besides dealing with Maggie’s cancer diagnosis, amputation, aftercare, meal prep and holistic therapy.
We had our third visit with Dr. Doolittle last week and all went well. According to her, the cancer markers look good which means Maggie is stable at least for today. I said to Dr. D that I thought Maggie seemed more tired these days. She said, “hmm, well that’s a bit of a red flag.” Horrified, I backtracked and said, “well maybe mostly after she’s had a long walk and the day after a long walk.” In a way, I felt like I was justifying her tiredness. Certainly, it can’t be metastatic disease already. It must be because she’s a giant dog on three legs trying to do what she did before on four legs. But… I’m probably lying to myself. She does seem more tired these days. I can’t deny that. Well… I shouldn’t deny it. I guess I’ve had this overwhelming feeling lately that the time is drawing near. I’m generally not a pessimistic person but rather maybe overly optimistic or swimming in denial?
I don’t know… it’s something in her eyes. The way she looks at me. Don’t get me wrong, she still demands her walks and still LOVES her food. She’s still Maggie. She still has her goofy personality and gets excited when I get home. She still makes me smile and feel comforted and happy. She’s still the best dog I’ve ever had.
I asked Dr. D if osteosarcoma always metastasizes and she said yes. I then asked what signs I need to be aware of when this happens. She said normally it goes to their lungs and they start coughing a lot, become short of breath and get winded a lot quicker. What the hell does a dog cough sound like?
Maggie and I finally drove the 130 miles to Eddie’s Wheels yesterday to get measured for her cart. We pick it up on April 6. I really hope she takes to it. Even though she really enjoys her walks now I think she’ll enjoy them even more when she isn’t so taxed on her front leg. When we got back in the car Maggie laid down in the back seat and coughed for about 10 minutes straight (now I know what it sounds like). I haven’t told anyone this… well this is my first time actually admitting it.
Fuck.
When we got home she laid down. I laid down next to her and pet her and said, “I’m not ready for you to go yet, but you tell me when you’re ready and I’ll let you go. Okay? I promise I’ll listen to you.” She laid her head down and started snoring.
Today was a good day. We went for about a 1.5 mile walk at Roger Williams Park. She loved it and was so happy to be outside. Even better was the weather. There’s nothing quite like the warmth of the early Spring sun. 30 degrees can feel more like 40 or 50 and after the few months we’ve had that feels like flip flop weather.
I suppose I can only take it one day at a time. Cherish whatever time I have left and not get too hung up on when. She’s here now and for that I am grateful.
Stay tuned…
Maggie and me 