I feel like I’m taking crazy pills…

I struggle with the fact that, generally, my most poignant posts or writings are written when I’m feeling sad. Why is that? It’s strange to me that I can’t write with such clarity when it comes to something happy. Is that human nature? Not sure. Maybe it’s a result of my character in that I internalize nearly everything, especially negative things, and rather than feeling and talking it’s all poured out onto my computer screen and ultimately this blog. I think as a kid and even now, as an adult, I don’t know how to articulate, out loud, hard emotions. Indeed, pain, suffering and grief are human emotions, although, not uniquely human. With happiness, I guess we don’t feel the urge to share it but rather are living in the moment overcome with joy and contentment, whereas with pain it lingers. It coats our hearts with its resin and it’s difficult to shed.

Writing this blog has helped me share my grief, thereby, spreading out my grief so it isn’t so concentrated. It’s been cathartic and much needed. It’s been one of the few solaces I’ve enjoyed, although, it’s been tough. Many times, when I’m writing I’m also crying and when I re-read things I cry. I’d argue that I’ve not cried this much in my life… ever. I’ve lost grandparents, lost pets, lost friendships, broken up with boyfriends, and experienced sexual assault twice. But no pain or grief in my life has ever felt this heavy. 

I’ve been reading a few articles on grief, particularly related to losing a pet. Many articles say that when we have a pet who is terminally ill, oftentimes, we start the grieving process while our pets are still alive. It never occurred to me, until reading those articles, that that is what I’ve been experiencing. 

Truth be told, I’m seeing a therapist again. She helps me with not only what I’m going through with Maggie but also dealing with my high stress/demanding job. Twice in the past two months I’ve been told by two different health care providers I should consider an anti-depressant to get me through this time. I’ve never in my life been told this. Not even after I experienced sexual assault (the second time) because the first time I told no one. 

I was watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (by the way if you haven’t watched it I highly recommend it) last night and Sabrina was going through something difficult and her Aunt Zelda gave her some cream to numb her heart. Sabrina said, “I don’t want to stop feeling, I just want to stop hurting.” That statement resonated with me. I just want to stop hurting but, alas, that is not for quite a while. I was also listening to Dax Shepherd’s podcast, Armchair Expert (also highly recommend), and he was interviewing Chelsea Handler. They were talking about the death of her oldest brother when she was nine and she’s now just learning to come to terms with it. She said something like this, “The way to get through pain is just that, go through it. You can’t go around it, you can’t avoid it, you have to go through it.” 

I’ve pretty much had a well of tears walled up in my lower eyelids stocked and ready to burst at a moment’s notice since, well, since we found Maggie’s tumor. That was late November. 

My life feels like it has been turned upside down. My headspace has been occupied by my grief with Maggie, the stress of my job, Cory, and the stress of finishing my MBA (three weeks). I was thinking about my headspace in the form of a pie chart and this is what I’ve come up with…

I’m not complaining, I’m just sad and I don’t know what else to do. It’s hard having a dog who is terminally ill. It’s hard treating her holistically. It’s hard being the financial stability in the house while Cory is in full time grad school. It’s hard being in school too. It’s hard having a high stress job. Things are just fucking hard right now. I’ve been a shitty friend and a shitty partner while going through all this but then I know I need to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself. 

I guess all I need to is to continue to write. For now, this helps.  

In the meantime, here’s a picture of my girl in her cart. She is nervous as hell. She did a headstand trying to jump out. She tipped over and then had an anxiety attack. Now, I’m on my way to San Francisco for work and there’s nothing I can do but work my ass off and fly home on Saturday. 

Thanks for reading.